The Wonders of Love

Love. We are born out of it. We are by-products of the love shared by our parents. Many people say it is what that makes the world go round. I also have the share of this feeling. I’ve fallen in love the first time when I was in high school, but that love is not reciprocated. It just makes me cry. And I have found that I am not lovable maybe because I am a silent type of person and very boring to be with. During my college life at University of Bohol, I again experience the beating of my heart. I then did enter into an intimate relationship but as the passing of time, I found out the infidelity of my beloved. I am not the only one but we are two in her life. She’s just using me as his servant when it comes to paper works. With the turn of events, I began hating to fall in love and I promised myself never to fall in love again because it will just cause me heartaches.
Ever since I become a seminarian, I never experienced to have a special someone. I tend to focus myself on my studies and my vocation. I realized that only God can give me reciprocated love. However, lately, a special feeling developed in me as I know this special person in my life. I began to wonder how it really feels to be in love and be loved in return.
Lately I proposed my feelings for her and she gladly bestowed the most beautiful words to hear. But she is always reminding me that she does not want to become a stumbling block to my desire of becoming a priest. Besides she feared that my family would get angry to her. But is it my fault that I fall in love with her? Am I indispensable with the feeling of falling in love to somebody? Can my family dictate me what to do in my life? Can they dictate me as well how to feel? If so, then I began to wonder why does God allowed me to fall in love. Why is it that this feeling still exists in me? Have I not learned from my past? You see, I am very troubled this time. A lot of people are expecting me to become a priest and I have done my best to meet their expectation. But now I feel I am sandwiched with the flow of events. I even entertained the thinking of stopping in order to discern more about my vocation. But I guess having a girlfriend even with my status as a seminarian is not abominable per se as long as we did nothing immoral.
These turns of events helps me to wonder about love, its existence and its meaning in my life. It is indeed a reality that the most obvious, ordinary and simple are hard to answer. I really do not know what love is. Yet it is most important to know what love is. However a lot of questions groveled my mind. What is really love? What is the role of love in life? Is it really necessary to fall in love? Is love a feeling or a decision? With regards to my feelings, am I certain that this is really love or just some sort of infatuation? How sure am I that I’m really in love? Do I have a proof or an evidence to say that I am really in love this time? Well, the only proof that I could draw out from it is the unexplainable and mysterious feelings that overwhelmed me when I am with her. I can’t explain it. When the new generation would explain it, It’s here eh.
I really wonder why I fall in love. Perhaps I have not really fully known myself. You see, it is really essential to have a deeper knowledge of self. I never thought that time will come that I will feel this way. I thought that I have already discerned about my vocation, but now I doubt it. Perhaps I have to settle things first before going ahead so that I will have no regrets. However, I am open to possibilities and I know that I have to face whatever the consequences that is twinned with any actions that I have to act in the future. Somehow I may need to gamble.
My wonder about love will lead me to search more about its reality. In its process I am sure that I may get hurt. But I believe that pain is part and parcel of living, it’s just the way we grow. So I just condition myself. I just hope that after some time I will be able to satisfy my wonder.